i feel bad for 5’11 boys like u were so close. u almost made it.
do you have those memories that are really cringey and you never speak of and something triggers the memory and you want to fucking wash your brain out with bleach
And God said unto Abraham, “Abraham.”
And Abraham replied, “What.”
God said to John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.
And Judas approached the rabbis and Pharisees saying, “The one whom I kiss is the one you seek.”
To which they responded, “Gay.”
And thus, god made Eve. And she was bammin’ slammin’ bootylicious.
see you all in hell
"text me when you get home so i know you’re safe" kinda people are the people i wanna be around
You Aren’t Boring I Just Suck At Conversations I’m Sorry: a novel by me
I’m Not Ignoring You I Just Don’t Know What To Say: a sequel by me
I Feel Like I have Nothing Interesting To Say So I Don’t Say Anything At All And I’m Really Sorry Don’t Stop Talking To Me: the trilogy.
If you don’t think different shapes of pasta taste differently you can fuck off
the concept of the purge is actually really neat but its just the fact that everyone goes for murder as their ‘crime to commit’ like??? why??? i think theyre missing out on the fact that you could steal so many pizzas and not get in trouble
the fact that there are animals who can see colors that i cant which means that there are colors that exist that it is literally impossible for me to envision is such fucking bullshit that i wanna rip open a couch and eat it
Humans have 3 types of rods for processing color (red green and blue). Mantis Shrimp have 16.
Fucking shrimp. I will NOT be jealous of food.
i didn’t realize growing up meant dying inside but hey it’s whatever
People who say they’ve “run out of Doctor Who” are either lying or someone to be feared intensely.
sugar, we’re goin down [presses elevator button for a lower floor]
SWINGIN [ELEVATOR CABLE SNAPS]
more than i bargained for
you really a bitch if you let the microwave hit zeros while your family is asleep you disrespectful bitch